Listening is Loving

Listening involves complex affective, cognitive, and behavioural processes - it can be difficult to do especially in moments when our inner and outer worlds are noisy. Listening is especially important when things are difficult to listen to — 2020 is begging us to upgrade our listening both interpersonally and systemically.

Will you do so?

I’ve had many people tell me that they are in pain, depressed, fearful, anxious and even suicidal. I’ve had people share with me about family members and loved ones who are in serious trouble. I get told matters of the heart, the sorrow, loss and grief. I’ve heard more trauma stories than I can count. I also hear the celebration, the beauty, happiness, success and joy. After they have finished telling me their stories, people often say I helped them. But honestly, 99% of the time, all I did was really listen and love them.

While listening may be typically referred to or considered an art, it’s actually a tangible skill that can be cultivated and learned. A devotional practice. When you practice ‘Active listening’, you are fully concentrating on what is being said, felt and observed by offering your precious presence. You listen with all of your senses, your whole body. You give your full attention to the person speaking with the goal to connect and validate (psst. this is different than agreement!) vs divide, shame or disconnect. It serves the purpose of earning the trust of others and helps you to understand their situations and spirit.

How well you REALLY listen has a major impact on your on the quality of your relationships with yourself, others and the world around you. It’s not enough for us to purely take in the sounds, we must embody listening and hearing if we truly aim to foster harmony and loving kindness on our planet. We do not rehearse what we are going to say next. We do not formulate “the perfect answer” in our minds. We do not worry about giving a “less-than-perfect” response. We simply become a container for receiving the words of another person. We are receptive and open. We allow and create space in a world that is dominated by the energy of doing, achievement, and accomplishment. Listening is considered a “soft skill.” I think it is one of the most ‘real’ skills. There are a million trainings and workshops you can take on how to become a better speaker — how to persuade others using words, and thus to have power over them — but far fewer on how to become a better listener which is why I’ll share the following ‘tips’.

Active listening comprises both a desire to comprehend as well as to offer support and empathy. It requires a few key ingredients (ps I teach this in preschool soooo we all can do it if we choose to try!)

Pay Attention — Take notice + interest. Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the importance of their message.

Show that you are listening — Use your own body language and gestures to show that you are engaged (nod, smile, open posture, put down your phone) offer brief verbal cues such as uh huh, I see, I understand etc.

Provide feedback — Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect on what is being said and to ask questions or purely acknowledge that you have heard what the speaker has shared. You can do this by saying so, summarising, repeating back what was said or expressing gratitude.

Defer judgement — Stay patient + curious. Interrupting is a waste of time as it frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. Remember that often our judgements are internal and unspoken so be sure to check yourself and remain neutral.

Respond not React— Active listening is designed to encourage respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. Simply being with another. You add nothing by attacking the speaker, dismissing or otherwise putting them down. Be candid and open but know that dialogue vs. debate can generate much deeper insight and learning. Also saying nothing at all and offering comfort, console or any other non verbal / energetic gesture (eye contact, slowing the breath, holding a hand etc) can be incredibly powerful and healing beyond words.

It's not easy and takes time to let go of our old ways, habits or our need to control in order to build new capacity and skill. We can't see or understand someone in the moments that we are trying to control what they are saying or trying to impress them with what we are saying. There's no space for that person to unfold and be who they are.

Listening and unconditionally receiving what another expresses, is an active expression of love. The bottom line is, when we are listened to, we feel connected. When we're not listened to, we feel separate. Whether it's the communicating with ourselves (body, mind, spirit) our colleagues, partners, lovers, children, different generations, across cultures, we must choose the sacred skill of listening over and over and over.

The more we understand, the less we fear -- the less we fear, the more we trust and the more we trust, the more love can flow.